Little Thoughts | Little Lady Little City: Little Thoughts

Little Thoughts

While working on my computer the other day I accidentally opened my old email and the email that popped up was from someone I used to be friends with. I don't know why this was the email that came up,  it wasn't the newest one in my inbox, but rather one from several years ago when things first started to go south between us. Then of course I read all the emails between us and relived our friendship falling apart. I am apparently a gluton for pain. I'm not sure if it's because of the wedding or because it would have been my mom's birthday a couple of weeks ago, but it really got me thinking.

I've never been the greatest at making friends. I think it was because I was always a shy kid and I really not got over that, so it still takes me longer to make friends. I feel like my situation is kind of unique, well maybe not unique but different, when it comes to friends. There is a real divide when it comes to them, those who met me from before my mom got sick and passed away and those who met me after. That's a very odd thing to associate with friends to be honest, but it's hard not to. The saddest thing about this whole divide is that friends from before she passed have really dwindled in the past seven years. I think I saw some coming a mile away, and others I still cry about.

I still get really upset about this one because it was a friend who knew me when my mom was still around and was there for me when she started getting sick and eventually passed away. Those are the hardest friendships to lose for so many reasons, but one being that they help me remember my mom a little better. She got sick when I was in high school, so my memories before she was sick are a little fuzzy. I was a teenager and other things were becoming vastly more important than what her laugh sounded like, or her smile, or even what  her perfume smelled like. Sometimes when I look at pictures I can just remember bits and pieces, but it's when a friend just randomly tells me "God you laugh just like your mom," it really comes back. I can hear her saying one of her silly jokes and just laughing for what seems like forever. I really love moments like that.

It's really hard, because the relationships with people who knew my mom have become so much more than just a friendship to me so there is an extra sting when they end. If it were up to me the friendship wouldn't have even ended, but I'm not the only one who gets to make that decision. Maybe one day I will not feel quite as sad about it, but I really doubt it.

7 comments:

  1. this made me all teary-eyed! it's crazy how friends/relationships/people just change and there isn't anything you can do about it. it's sad but there must be a reason they aren't in your life.. or there must be a reason that email randomly opened up! interesting.

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  2. I am never that good at making friends either, and I always seem to come across photos that make me remember friendships, but it is really strange how people can change so quickly. I often look back on my friendships and see what lessons I've learnt from them :-) Rach x

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  3. /hugs!

    Losing friends sucks under most any circumstance. Sorry lady!

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  4. Is this a crazy coincidence that my mom died when I was in high school too? I can relate to having two lives - one life before she died and one life after she died - and it's sometimes sad to relive the life that once was. I also had a similar coincidence where I Facebook messaged an old friend whom I am no longer friends with (our friendship fell apart too). When I sent the message, all the previous message (that showed our friendship deteriorating) came up. I was very odd to read - funny because some of the things we said were ridiculous and sad because we let those silly things ruin our friendship.

    My dad always said I act so much like my mom - my demeanor, my mannerism, and attitude. It's weird to hear because I don't even realize I'm doing it and I don't remember who doing it either.

    Great to hear someone else shares my experiences :)

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  5. I also have a hard time making friends, and know the pain of losing friends as well. I can't imagine how hard it is to lose someone like a parent, especially at such an important age. I know words can never make those feelings and that pain go away, so just know I'm thinking of you, and if you ever need to email to chat you always can! <3

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  6. I know this person! This is me! I can't make friendships easily and I need lots of time to share myself. Therefore I try to care the ones I already have as friends beside me. I had very close ones that for some reason, we're not friends anymore... I question this sometimes but then I try to convince myself that things might not go as I imagined because there is also other party in a friendship. I then try to accept things as they are. Time grows us up and we learn how to look forward :)

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  7. I promise our friendship will never end my lovely!! I remember your mom and will try and help you to hold on to those little sweet bits of memory.

    Letting go of those old relationships doesn't mean that you're loosing anymore of your mom, it's just that life is going on and those people who were once important no longer are. I think unfortunately as time goes on and people change, some people change for the worse. You don't need those people in your lives and you certainly don't need them to hold on to bits of your mom.

    I think you remember a lot more of the great things about her than you probably think you do. I KNOW your mom wouldn't be pleased to know you're suffering through negative/abusive friendships if even for a little bit it's because you want to grab a hold of a friend from that divide before your mom was sick.

    You won't forget her manda. Plus you have way too many great people in your life that knew her too to help you remember. Forget those bad apples!

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